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How to Please My Mother?

Question and answer details
Iam
2013/05/12
Salam alaikom! I know that in Islam you have to obey your parents but since mom knows that I do everything that she says to not make her sad or angry, she says to me sometimes " if you do this, I will not forgive you..." sometimes I keep thinking a long time about what I will do, I don't want her to be angry from me but I don't want her to link something with her forgiveness to me, that really makes me confused. I told her about a new friend of mine and she said "if you meet him, I will not forgive you" what can I do? Please help me; does this mean if I meet him, God will not forgive me because mom is already angry from me? Looking forward to your answer as soon as possible. Thank you very much.
AAI Editorial Staff
Answer

This answer was kindly provided by Brother Maan Khalife, a member of Ask About Islam Editorial Staff.

Salam dear sister,

Thank you for your question and for contacting Ask About Islam.

It is admirable to find a young lady like you who is trying to please her mother.  May Allah reward you for this honorable act.

You are absolutely correct; you need to make sure that your mother is always pleased with you so you need to obey her to the letter as long as she does not ask you to do something unlawful.  However, if you really want to meet your new friend without displeasing your mother, you need to convince her nicely and see if she is willing to compromise. 

I am not sure about your situation but you can suggest that your friend meets you at home in your mother's presence.  This is more appropriate and is Islamically acceptable.  However, if your mother insists that you don't see him then you need to obey her.  She is concerned about your well-being since lots of young ladies start meeting young men innocently and this ends up in an undesired relationship. 

The intention behind meeting with the opposite sex has to be clear from both sides.  There is no such a thing in Islam that he is just a friend; I am not talking about university or office colleagues that you briefly talk to just for necessity.  For example, you like each other and intend to get married or you are sharing educational knowledge that you don't believe you are able to get from your female colleagues.  You need to clearly define that intention and fit it within the Islamic context then clarify it to your parents.

On the other hand, you need to be very frank and open with your mom so sometimes you need to ask her if she really is not going to forgive you; especially for small issues.  Explain that it hurts you and makes you feel that Allah will not forgive you since you need to always please her.  What I am getting at is that you need to be psychologically at ease and worry free from the thought that Allah will not forgive you.  Sometimes parents unintentionally put tension on their children because they are trying to protect them.  To solve this, tell her what disturbs you without offending her.

If you meet with the young man without your mother's consent, you will be committing a sin; a major sin.  Therefore, in Islam it is extremely important to obey your parents, especially your mother.  However, this does not mean that Allah will not forgive you.  You first need to ask for your mother's forgiveness if you do such acts.  Assuming your mother did not agree to forgive you, you will have to keep asking for her forgiveness until she does and sincerely repent to Allah.  This situation is extremely uncomfortable for anyone that's why it is best to avoid it from the beginning. There are numerous hadiths with regard to this:

"Whoever does good towards his parents will certainly live happily and contentedly; and Allah will lengthen his life." (As-Sayuti)


"A man emigrated to the Apostle of Allah (peace be upon him) from the Yemen. He asked (him): Have you anyone (of your relatives) in the Yemen? He replied: My parents. He asked: Did they permit you? He replied: No. He said: Go back to them and ask for their permission. If they permit you, then fight (in the path of Allah), otherwise be devoted to them." (Abu-Dawud)

 

"A man said to the Prophet, "Shall I participate in Jihad?" The Prophet said, "Are your parents living?" The man said, "Yes." the Prophet said, "Do Jihad for their benefit." (Bukhari)

 

"Shall I inform you of the biggest of the great sins?" They said, "Yes, O Allah's Apostle!" He said, "To join partners in worship with Allah, and to be undutiful to one's parents." (Bukhari)

 

"The punishment of every sin will be held back till the Day of Judgment with exception of the sin of going against one’s parents, in which case, punishment will take place during his lifetime before his death." (At-Tabarani)

It has been narrated that Alqamah was a good companion of the Prophet. He was very diligent when it came to praying, fasting and giving charity. However, upon getting married, his love for his wife was greater than for his mother. As a result, when he was dying, he was not able to say the testimony of faith. The Prophet asked the mother to forgive her son, however, she refused to do so. Eventually, the Prophet told Bilal to gather some firewood; and told the latter to burn Alqamah. Upon seeing this, the feelings of love for her son prevailed; forgave her son, after which, Alqamah was able to pronounce the testimony of faith as he died.  It is worth mentioning that this narration is not highly authentic however it is used for its moral benefit.

The following hadith implies that major sins cannot be easily whipped out.

"'Amr ibn Sa'id ibn al-As reported: I was with Uthman and he called for ablution water and said: I heard Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) say: When the time for a prescribed prayer comes, if any Muslim performs ablution well and offers his prayer with humility and bowing, it will be an expiation for his past sins, so long as he has not committed a major sin; and this applies for all times."  (Muslim - Book 2, Hadith 441)

Therefore there is a punishment for every major sin unless the sinner seeks sincere repentance from Allah; or if the sin is going against others such as parents, then the sinner must also seek forgiveness from them.

Emphasizing the importance of the mother, Imam Al-Bukhari mentioned in his authentic collection the following hadith:

Narrated Abu Huraira: A man came to Allah's Apostle (peace be upon him) and said, "O Allah's Apostle! Who is more entitled to be treated with the best companionship by me?" The Prophet said: "Your mother." The man said: "Who is next?" The Prophet said: "Your mother." The man further said: "Who is next?" The Prophet said: "Your mother." The man asked for the fourth time, "Who is next?" The Prophet finally said: "Your father."  (Bukhari, Book 73, Hadith 2)

Allah knows best!

I hope this helps answer your question and may Allah always guide us to do what pleases Him.

Salam and please keep in touch.

Useful Links:

Parent's Rights in Islam

What Do You Have for Mummy

"Do Not Listen to Your Mother!" Satan Whispers (Video)

Every Day Is Parents' Day (Folder)

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