Question and answer details
|Assalamu `alaikum,I am from India. I am writing this letter to you thinking that I will get an answer which will increase my iman and get forgiveness from Allah and prevent further fornication. I am from the medical field. I work as a junior doctor. I am aged 27 and unmarried. My problem is I have committed many zina. I had enough iman before joining college. But after joining college my iman started to decrease. I started to touch girls…slowly as days went I started to date my classmates, my juniors. I had done fornication with them. Each time I do that sin, I get a heavy feeling that I have done a great sin and I will think I will never repeat that sin again in my rest of life. With my less amount of iman, I repent to Allah promising that I will never do zina again and I seek forgiveness. But after a few days or week I forget everything that I promised, and commit fornication again. I do get a guilty feeling in the middle of fornication, but I was not able to walk away from that. Before a month, I committed zina with a lady here in hospital. After that I thought I will stop zina permanently. For getting more iman I recited sura Yosuf and read its translation. I was alright for a month. But yesterday and today I again committed zina with another lady. I am so confused now. Will Allah forgive me..? Will Allah hear my prayers..? I have heard Allah will forgive all the sins. But my condition is that, even knowing it is a sin, I have done it again and again. I feel so ashamed to ask forgiveness from Allah. I am so confused now… Please give me advice with regard to my sins. Please help me.|
|Dr. Maryam Bachmeier|
Wa `alaykum assalam Brother,
Thank you for writing in with your sincere concern about your relationship with our Lord. Indeed, our relationship with others is not equivalent to our relationship with ALLAH. Your concern about your own condition and desire to be forgiven by ALLAH is an expression of your desire to be close to Him.
When we engage in behaviors that hurt ourselves or others repeatedly, and we do not want to, but we cannot stop the behavior, the clinical opinion is that this is an addiction. In the case of fornication, the reason it is said that we sin against our own soul, is because in reality, all humanity is connected.
There are very deep spiritual reasons for keeping the sexual activity exclusive between spouses. In addition to the spiritual principles of exclusive sexual activity that can create an environment for souls to experience union with each other, there are also basic health reasons, as you know.
Often one reason a human being might engage in repeated behaviors that provide immediate gratification, is that it helps the individual to temporarily escape emotional pain. Meanwhile, the body is developing a dependency on the drug.
Many people who have sex addictions have also been sexually abused, often as a child. This is not always the case but the reason for becoming addicted to sex, instead of another addictive behavior, is because of the associations that the mind made with sex while growing up.
Sexual activity not only releases the physical tension that is built up inside the body, but it also releases certain hormones that temporarily make you feel good. This is why one way to reduce your sexual need is to reduce sexual activity. I do understand that you are a medical doctor and so you probably already know about the sexual cycles of a man and that you are still experiencing your peak of sexual desire.
The complications of the modern world make it difficult to marry and to sustain marriage at this young age, when males and females bodies most want to reproduce. The difficulty with sex addiction is that you might not be able to remove yourself from environments and temptations, especially when you also have a very healthy and natural desire and a biological need to release the sexual stress.
The sexual addiction is usually psychological, emotional, and biological, much like an addiction to a drug. When you are addicted to a drug, you might be making yourself feel better emotionally the body can then adjust to the reduced level of these hormones.
As for the issue of forgiveness from ALLAH, this is a very private matter. My own perspective is that we must never commit any action that will hurt another human being. Yet, all human fail, in that we have all hurt another human being. We all need forgiveness. Focusing on the Intent and the state of your own soul will help you to know the mercy and forgiveness of ALLAH.
Something that you will benefit from understanding is this; even if women are telling you something different, that sex outside marriage does hurt the woman at a very deep level both emotionally and spiritually. This is because of her psychological makeup, if you will. Knowing this, and accepting this to be true, will help you to find the self control that you need so that you do not harm another human being.
It is the natural and often unconscious drive of a woman to seek a life partner and life mate that will provide her with protection and provision because her natural biological drive is to become pregnant, and overall, when it comes to surviving the harsh element of this world, she instinctively knows that she needs to “secure” a man for her own survival.
These drives will be present even if the woman chooses not to have children on an intellectual level, for good reasons in our post modern, post tech very scary politically dangerous world. As a result, she may be very vulnerable to a man’s advances, especially if the man fits her psychological “picture” of someone who can protect her and provide for her. Now, you are a junior doctor. “Doctor” invokes a subconscious archetype in the collective mind of humans. Male doctors evoke the subconscious archetype of authority and paternity, care, protection, and provision for many reasons. If you are initiating sexual activity with women who have a status than you, even if they seem very willing, you are still taking advantage of their vulnerability. Indeed, you do not have any intention of providing for them, or protecting them.
So, even though the woman was not “raped”, and she seemed to be willing, she is violated because she is being taken advantage of. And I do wonder dear friend, what if one of these women actually did get pregnant? What would you do? So, do keep it in mind that you are hurting the woman, even if neither of you realize this. And, when you hurt another human being, you hurt yourself.
Yes, ALLAH is merciful. All healing comes from ALLAH. And, you can be healed, and the women that you violated can also be healed. Forgiveness and Healing really mean the same thing because it is the reparation of our soul and the reparation of our soul’s relationship with ALLAH that is both Forgiveness and Healing. If you desire this more than you desire the release of sexual tension, your self control will increase, and the less often you engage in this activity, the more control you will feel. If you are drawn to sexual activity because your mind obsesses about sex, or you are seeking emotional comfort, then consider talking to a psychologist or psychiatrist in your area about the possibility that you might have a sexual addiction.
Below is a description of sexual addiction that might help you decide for yourself. The website that I retrieved this from is also listed and you might want to take a look. The site has information about treatment also.
“The term "sexual addiction" is used to describe the behavior of a person who has an unusually intense sex drive or an obsession with sex. Sex and the thought of sex tend to dominate the sex addict's thinking, making it difficult to work or engage in healthy personal relationships.
Sex addicts engage in distorted thinking, often rationalizing and justifying their behavior and blaming others for problems. They generally deny they have a problem and make excuses for their actions.
Sexual addiction also is associated with risk-taking. A person with a sex addiction engages in various forms of sexual activity, despite the potential for negative and/or dangerous consequences. In addition to damaging the addict's relationships and interfering with his or her work and social life, a sexual addiction also puts the person at risk for emotional and physical injury. “Retrieved 7/30/2012 from Medicine.net.cim-(http://www.medicinenet.com/sexual_addiction/article.htm)
I pray that this response has been helpful to you. We are here for you at Onislam.net
About the Counselor:
Dr. Bachmeier is a clinical psychologist who has been working in the mental health field for over 15 years. She is also a published researcher, former adjunct professor at Argosy University, writer, and consultant to her Spiritual community in the areas of mental health, clinical disorders, cultural, family and relationship issues, and more.