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Jannah Is Not At My Mother’s Feet!

Question and answer details
L (22_female_Iraq)
2013/12/25
Jazakallahy kher for the great work, Onislam.net is one of my favorite sites and Alhamdullilah has added so much value to my life. I ask Allah to give you good help and sharpen the wisdom so that you keep up the good work.A mother in Islam is the key to jannah the queen of the house the role model of all her children, My mother is a very sympathetic but very hard to cope with.To begin with, her marriage to my father was arranged and she only accepted the proposal because my father was from a very noble family. But there has never been love between them, she can’t stand him! They hardly talk, it's arguments! All the time. She accuses him of zinah ( adultery) and she's never close to us(the children) because we are his blood. My father was never blessed with wealth and my mum is very materialistic.She has set us far from the father she has poisoned us against him when we were very little. There is no closeness between our father and us. My mum would help people, she would bring street kids to the house people she hardly knows into the house to help them yet she has girls only in the house. She would never protect us. We would tell her to stop this, but arguments would follow and she would curse us for that. What does Islam say about such kind of a mother? Is it allowed to separate from the parents when one is not married so that we may have peace? Arguments and stress is really affecting us all
Hwaa Irfan
Answer
As salamu 'alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhmy dear sister...


Thank you for sharing with us your concerns.


Albeit that your mother had an arranged marriage, this I doubt is the problem. The problem I suspect is that your mother married someone who is a poor noble, so essentially to her she is living the life she wished to lead. One could say that this is due to the way she was raised, or the condition under which she was raised, but either way, your mother seems to have a set mental disposition which will not allow her to accept anything other than what she had or has in mind. 


As both parents are involved, it is important to not take sides, even when you believe that one parent in particular is in the wrong. When a loved one is so set in their ways, the only way to melt their hearts is with love, compassion and understanding; because in doing so, you give back the blessings of life that they have cut themselves off from, and by doing so you allow the blessings of life to flow to the beneficiaries – you, your siblings, and your father. This calls on all your weaknesses to be elevated through jihad an nafs the greatest battle, the battle with the self, especially when our mothers do not live up to being mothers, hence why “Jannah is at the feet of our mothers”. Islamic scholar Abu al-Faraj Ibn Al-Jawzî said:


“To be kind to one's parents is: to obey them when they order you to do something, unless it is something which Allah has forbidden; to give priority to their orders over voluntary acts of worship; to abstain from that which they forbid you to do; to provide for them; to serve them; to approach them with gentle humility and mercy; not to raise your voice in front of them; nor to fix your glance on them; nor to call them by their names; and to be patient with them” – Birr Al-Walidayn (Al Birr Al-Walidayn is to obey our parents as long as it does not lead to disobeying Allah (SWT).


And the Qur’an tells us:


{And We have enjoined on man [to be good] to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him and his weaning was over two years. Be thankful to Me and to your parents, unto Me is the final destination} (Al-Luqman 31:14).


Sometimes the above can seem impossible to overcome, but we have a choice. We can choose to see our loved ones purely in a negative fashion, and in doing so we create our own destiny when I comes to marital relations, or relations all round, because form that choice comes a long list of repercussions that eat into our lives: or we can choose to love them as they are, and from that non-judgmental position a long list of positive, life-giving consequences unfold in our lives.


Unfortunately, we often too young to make that choice, but we have the choice to hold onto the negative past, or to cherish the good things, no matter how small about our past.


Far from your desire to use Islam to berate your mother, not that she has no done anything wrong, we enjoin on you to forsake those desires, and if you cannot love her for her sake, love her for the sake of your Creator, Allah (SWT), and know that will in turn impact on how your role has a mother will turn out to be as we tend to practice what we see more than what is taught. Feel good for her when she does something good, no matter how small, and turn to Allah and make du’aa’  for her when she does otherwise, insha-Allah.


 May Allah help your family and shower you with His mercy and Peace


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