About Gay Thoughts and Lifestyle

Question and answer details
A (24_male_US)
Salam, I am a 24 years old guy. I am not married yet. I had these gay thoughts from the age of 16 and I'm struggling now. I don't want to be a gay or follow that lifestyle. I am a 5 times prayer and a religious person, but my very weak point is having this gay thoughts. I want to get out of this thing and I'm asking du'a too. Please be kind enough to direct me how I can get out of this thought and how I can be in a straight life. I am afraid of getting married as if I couldn't satisfy my wife, I will be in a big problem. Jazak Allah Khairan.
Dr. Maryam Bachmeier

Assalam `alaykum Brother,

I feel you are in such pain struggling with this issue and your life situation. Knowing who you are and how you relate to yourself, your community, and ALLAH is a mission for every soul; and it isn’t easy.

Our identities are formed, then shattered, then reformed over and over again; until we discover our own purity and are able to express Allah’s creation authentically.

The work of self understanding will bring you peace, though the journey might be filled with darkness and light, changing as we cross rivers and valleys, and climb mountains. This journey is worth the effort.

The issues related to same sex attraction are usually very complex. There is a lot to explore about your own identity and your own identity formation as well as how your sexual orientation was formed.

In some very rare cases, a human being is born with both genders and this is even sometimes expressed physically with both sex genitals. In such cases where the hormones are not balanced, it is possible to have a genuine attraction to the same sex. However, this is very rare.

Before you decide if you are genuinely gay or not, you want to explore your childhood history and see if you have been sexually abused. Sometimes that sexual attraction to a same sex person is something forged out of an association of sexual arousal occurring at the same time as the abuse occurred. The body can be aroused by touch and touch alone. If you were a child and this happened, you would not even remember it and you may be completely unconscious.

-One thing to ask yourself is whether or not you have any attraction to females.

If you are not attracted to females at all, then you may have the hormonal composition that is more female than male. You can have your hormones tested. If you have the correct amount of testosterone for a male, then I would suggest you explore issues related to domination and control and see if you have unresolved emotional conflicts in this area.

If you believe that you are sexually attracted to women, then there is no worry about satisfying a woman. Sometimes a man who feels inadequate for one reason or another can have gay thoughts simply because he does not feel he can be accepted by a woman. However, pleasing a woman sexually isn’t as complicated as the media and current trends would have men believe.

Before you say that you are convinced that you are gay, please explore these ideas. If you then decide that you are gay, you might consider getting therapy from a practitioner who is an expert in that field. I am not an expert in Gay and Lesbian issues and I always encourage people who are trying to work through these issues to talk to someone who is.

And please keep in mind, that researchers have found that almost everyone has had thoughts of same sex, but are in fact, not gay or bi-sexual. It is in the identity formation that the mind explores all of the possibilities as in adolescence the human being is discovering who he or she is sexually. Eventually, the human being develops a permanent identity. Nature usually guides this identity.

However, there are those situations where, because of abuse during the years of initial identity formation, this process can be hindered. Again, if this is the case for you, a good therapist would be helpful to you in resolving childhood trauma. You would want to see a good therapist face to face for a few years if this is your situation.

As far as life style is concerned, you can choose to live a good and wholesome lifestyle or not. There are people who identify as Gay who do not go to wild parties and engage in lustful activities and are in fact, quite conservative.

There are other people who simply like to party and get drunk and explore deviant sexual practices. Most of us agree that going to parties, getting drunk, using illicit drugs and engaging in deviant sexual practices is not acceptable behavior regardless of what sexual orientation you believe you have. And, no one has to engage in those behaviors.

With that said, try to separate life style from sexual orientation. Then explore your sexual orientation and the origin of your sexual orientation as a separate issue.

If you still believe you are gay, then get counseling from an expert in the area of Gay and Lesbian issues. If you feel you are having symptoms of abuse from childhood, then please get counseling to work through those issues. This is very important.

You are wise in continuing your prayer life. Never stop. ALLAH loves you no matter what. ALLAH is your protector and your Rabb and your GUIDE in all things. If you put your trust in HIM first, you will find the courage to face what is inside you. ALLAH will never leave a sincere seeker. Bring your heart and soul to ALLAH.

I pray that I have been able to provide some comfort to you and give you some helpful ideas. It is a long journey to travel, but well worth the effort. Walk the path of uncovering the soul that you truly are and find out who and what you are as ALLAH created you. If you express yourself authentically, as the person that ALLAH created, you will be ok in sha' Allah.

For further guidance, please try the following links:


About the Counselor:


Dr. Bachmeier is a clinical psychologist who has been working in the mental health field for over 15 years. She is also a published researcher, former adjunct professor at Argosy University, writer, and consultant to her Spiritual community in the areas of mental health, clinical disorders, cultural, family and relationship issues, and more.