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Can't See My Husband with Other Women

Question and answer details
F (37-female-Nigeria)
2012/06/28
My problem is I'm very insecure in my marriage. I can't see my husband talking to other women and coming home talking about them too. When we go out he's always looking at other women and when I ask him he goes I'm just inquisitive; I get very very angry and land up fighting and arguing with him. When he comes home in a lady colleague’s car too I get insecure although he is very honest and I trust him but I just can't see him with other women.
Dr. Maryam Bachmeier
Answer

As-salamu `alaikum dear sister,

You may be jealous, but there may also be another root of your anger. I have to wonder if your husband demonstrates his love and care for you in other ways. It seems to me that he is not being considerate of your feelings. Is he behaving in a respectable and professional manner with the women that he has interactions with? Or is he behaving as if he is interested in them? If he is behaving in an appropriate manner, then you have problems with jealously and you will want to work out your insecurities within your own self. On the other hand, if you are angry with your husband because he is being unkind and rude to you, and minimizing your value to him, then you will want to sort that out from the feelings of jealousy. You can be angry and jealous as well and at the same time.

If you are feeling jealous, and your husband is not flirting with other women, but only spends time with them due to his work or ordinary business, then we want to look inside ourselves and see if we believe we are “good enough” just the way ALLAH made us as a woman. Many women are insecure. This insecurity will be inside us whether we are married or not. If we are not married, we will never believe that we are pretty enough, good enough, soft enough, etc… to attract a husband. Once we are married, we are always worried that we will lose our husband. The core of our being is what we need to address. Realizing our own worth first as a creation of ALLAH and then as a woman with the beautiful feminine energy that ALLAH wants to bring into this world, will help a lot. But this realization is a process. It requires developing a relationship with ALLAH and understanding who we are as spiritual beings. Pray will help you accelerate this process of “knowing” yourself as a beautiful creation of ALLAH. When ALLAH created you, He created something pure, beautiful and perfect.

Jealousy is a fear that we are going to lose something. If you are secure in the Love of ALLAH, then you cannot lose love. You will understand that any love you receive is an expression of the Love of ALLAH. If your husband is not giving that to you, then you have not lost anything…it just isn’t there. It is easier to accept the lack that some men and some husbands have of this love, and their inability or unwillingness to give this love to us when we are open to receiving the Love of ALLAH. A woman is a vessel, a chalice… a cup… Her spiritual essence is to receive so that she can give. Women nurture the world, but only after being empowered to do so. Women give birth to babies, but only after receiving the seed of life. This is nature. The active love is an action that a man does, to give to the woman so that the woman will receive this love and be filled…overflow and give back. If this isn’t happening in your marriage, you are likely to be frustrated, angry, and feel insecure and may not understand why.

We cannot change your husband’s behavior or his desires. His relationship with ALLAH will be for him to deal with. Shift your focus and realize that what he does is not about you or your worth as a woman. It is about who he is as a man. Your husband’s behaviors are a reflection if his level of maturity and his understanding about his own relationship with ALLAH. And so are yours.

With that said, focus on yourself and uncover the sources of your feelings of insecurity and work these out with your sisters, your spiritual community and with ALLAH. You will become stronger in the inside, and softer on the outside. You will become open to receive ALLAH’s love in your heart and feel more solid in your world. This will strengthen your Iman. This will bring you closer to experiencing genuine taqwa. And this is what the soul is truly striving for. The shift is simple once you realize what it is and it will cure you of insecurity..leaving room for you to tune into who your husband is as a man, open to hearing what he has to say, and able to pick up on his communications to you. This will help you to connect with him…and change your experience.

All of this is easier to write than to do. The actual lesson here is to “not do” but allow. As women, we receive more when we don’t do anything. Of course, I mean in relation to relationship with our husbands… do your work, rear your children, etc, but let your husband “do” the relationship. As a woman, simply respond to your husband and you will find that you are meeting his needs naturally. This focus shifts your attention from what he is doing with other women… and allows you to sense what he is doing with you, for you etc, and you can respond to that.

Do let us know if this has been helpful to you. Take things one day at a time. You are beautiful and worthy of attention and love.

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About the Counselor:

Dr. Bachmeier is a clinical psychologist who has been working in the mental health field for over 15 years. She is also a published researcher, former adjunct professor at Argosy University, writer, and consultant to her Spiritual community in the areas of mental health, clinical disorders,  cultural, family and relationship issues, and more.

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