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What Is Happening To Me!

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What Is Happening To Me!
2004-02-26
As-salamu `alaykum. Let me begin by saying that this is a wonderful site and may God bless you all for the good work you do! I try to practice Islam as much as I can. I lower my gaze but, God knows how, I have managed to get a crush! I have a MEGA crush on one of my professors. I kept telling myself that it's a crush and it will end, but there is no sign of it ending. I'm so embarassed about it, I can't ever possibly get him because he seems to be in his thirties and so he must be married. I swear I have tried so much to get over him, but I have failed. The semester has ended so I won’t be seeing him that often and that scares me because I just can't live without seeing him. I'm a good practicing Muslimah, so what is happening to me? A friend suggested that I get married, but there is a time for everything and I have to finish university before marriage. Please help! How do get over him? Is there any remote possibility of our union? The weird part is that he isn't even good looking, it's just his personality which is so cool! Please help. Thank you.
Hwaa Irfan
Answer
As-salamu `alaykum my dear sister.

One wonders which came first—the chicken or the egg? You know the word 'puberty' comes from the Latin 'puberta' which means adult. The bridge between childhood and adulthood never used to be as confusing as it is now, because traditional cultures followed the cycle of nature; so your friend’s suggestion of getting married is not so far fetched. However, here we are today and you sound as if you are full of beans. Your hormones to say the least are a little hyperactive in playing their role towards your adulthood. Even though you tried, I think the effort you made in lowering your gaze was not as great as you thought! I think curiosity overcame you, and at a time when your emotions are easily stimulated. The body has an affect on the mind and vice versa, so when the mind becomes prematurely stimulated sexually, particularly in todays context—surrounded by romance novels, music videos, certain public behavior and love songs—there is a quickening of the physical aspects of puberty. One can then see the virtue in Prophet Muhammad's advice to fast when one feels the way you do.

Now let's look at it another way. It occurred to you that he might be married, and even if he is not, to try and realize the senarios in your head can only cause untold complications. There is the age difference too, although such a big age difference does not always cause a problem, the fact remains that you are full of wonder and the curiosities of life, and I bet as soon as you become bored with something, you want to move on. Yes, but he is different you say, but is he? Or are you just waking up to your own emotional development; reacting to the hormonal changes that are going on in your body. Which is it? Do you know?

Ahh!!! Then there is his side of the picture. He is more mature, and even if he is not married at the moment, he will be looking to settle down in a manner that might make you frustrated and feel as if you have not experienced life. Then of course, what would you have in common to talk about and how long would that last for? Would you be ready to have children when he is ready? I am sure you can think of lots of other difficulties that could occur. Then of course there is the simple fact that he is your teacher and two lives can be ruined if either of you were to proceed with anything more than the teacher-student relationship.

So my little sister, considering that you bolted at the idea of getting married when your friend suggested it, because you want to complete your university studies and lots more, try to slow down. Realize that this is only a phase that you are going through and there will come a time, in the not too distant future, when you will not have to wonder what is going on, and you will be in a better position, with the guidance of your family, to choose a suitable partner for marriage.
May Allah bless you in your studies and grant you a contented and fulfilling life in sha’ Allah.

For your further guidance, please try the following links:

A Guide to Controlling One’s Sexual Desire

age of Maturity for Boys and Girls

Fi amani-llah
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