Can't Stop Being Obsessed About Her

Question and answer details
Samir (18_male_UK)
As-salamu `Alaikum. I'm currently in the middle of a hectic and stressful exam period. My relationship with my father is getting worse. The environment in my household is toxic; we don't speak to each other anymore and we both find it difficult to be in the same room together. Any communication that does occur comes through my sisters or just us shouting at each other. I'd rather not go into the reasons why this state of affairs is so, not least because it is long and complicated, but I mention it because I fear it may be the cause of my true problem. I left my first secondary school at the end of year 8 to go to an all-boys independent school. I really enjoy it there, and in fact i am in my last year there. But quite randomly, I seem to have become infatuated with this girl I knew from my previous school. We weren't very close, but I did talk to her most days, and she was probably the nicest girl I have ever met. The strange thing was back then that I didn't really feel any sort of attraction for her, but now, I am obsessed with her. I literally cannot stop thinking about her; she seems to occupy my every thought. It's getting to the point where I am losing sleep over thinking about her, and during such a stressful period I can't afford to be doing that. She was kind, generous and sweet as well as beautiful, but it's been so long since we ever spoke and I'm not stupid enough to think a relationship with her could ever develop, but this hasn't stopped me thinking about her. It's starting to place a strain on my faith, and I know I can't allow that to happen. Apologies for the long post, I would be grateful for any advice you have. Many thanks.
Sakeena Abdulraheem

As-Salaamu `Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,

I would like to say first that you do not have to apologize for your question. You have some concerns and this is why we are here to answer your questions or help you explore and address concerns you may have.

There is love, there is infatuation, there is distraction, and then there is obsession. Although, you have only described your situation briefly but I do not have the full story, it seems that you are infatuated or you have a crush on a girl that you met at your previous school. You feel that it is distracting you and your thoughts about this girl are preventing you from focusing on your studies.

What I would like to ask you is that  are you still communicating with this young woman or have you developed this infatuation with this girl from a series of positive experiences that you had at your previous school?

You stated that you think about this girl all the time.  What are you doing when you are triggered with thoughts about this young woman?

As human beings, when we feel empty or have not developed that close relationship with Allah (SWT), we often search for objects, people, and many other things  to fill the void that we may be experiencing spiritually and emotionally.

I am wondering if this girl is someone who was kind to you and you were able to establish a healthy relationship with her. I can imagine when you think of her, it must trigger a sense of happiness that many young people feel when they have a crush.

Sometimes,  we tend to think of a crush or an object of our affection more when experiencing stressful times. It seems that you are dealing with a lot of stress at home and you seem to be isolating yourself from your family, but your thoughts of this young woman seem to be an escape for you.

At the end of the day, the answer to every hardship is  ALLAH. I think as human beings we often underestimate the power of du`aa’, but we cannot see the future and Allah has an important plan for all of us. I would urge you to embrace a journey of personal growth and seek out ways to establish a connection with your creator no matter how small these efforts may seem to you.

What you will discover is that as you make progress in your own personal growth and connection with the Creator, the difficulties and hardships will improve around you because your knowledge and faith will have improved. This will affect the solutions you develop for your problems and the way you approach them.

Islam is a way of life. As long as we live on this earth, there will always be room for us to grow as individuals and Allah knows best.


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About the Counselor:

Sakeena Abdulraheem holds an MA in social studies with a concentration in Islamic studies from the Graduate School of Islamic and Social Sciences. She also holds MA in counseling psychology with a concentration in trauma counseling. She has extensive experience working as a teacher, mentor, and consultant. She currently works full-time with women who have become homeless due to domestic violence.

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. You are strongly advised to seek face-to-face counseling and consult your physician or therapist when making a drastic change in your lifestyle in terms of behavior, medication or diet etc.