Dear readers, we’d like to thank you for your strong and useful interaction with a counseling question posted about a challenging martial life.
We really appreciate every single word in your comments and advice.
Many people who read this sister’s problem have very negative thoughts about the husband with less hope for the continuation of the marriage. They blamed the husband and expected the counselor to tell the wife to leave him immediately asking for divorce. Most of the comments also reflected this opinion.
However, surprisingly, we found a different logic in the counselor’s answer.
Here it is:
Counselor: Hwaa Irfan
As salamu 'alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh my dear sister...
It is good news indeed to see that you have pursued your discovery of Islam for your own fulfillment, and we pray that your Shahada goes well insha-Allah.
Unfortunately, increasingly, Muslim women are looking for the perfect Muslim husband, who is good in ethics, and practice of Islam. What seems to go amiss is the fact that Muslim men, like non-Muslim men are human, and are open to the tests and challenges that life offers.
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Sometimes, with Islam in mind, they are able to resist temptations, and sometimes they are not. They do not live in isolation of the environment in which they exist, and sister you have to admit, sex is flaunted from the way women dress, to the adverts on the streets to the T.V. screen in one’s home, to the type of music that is often played in the country in which you live.
In other words, socially, and environmentally, there are many temptations, which will eventually have some kind of impact directly or indirectly. Reading in-between the lines, it would seem that your husband is not from the country in which you reside, and so the rush of sexually orientated images he has been faced with he has found attractive, and attractive in a way that he does not want to admit to it! After all, he knows better than that, hence why he is not going to admit to his tendencies to you.
|Sometimes when people marry, they do have a “misunderstanding” about what they can and cannot do.|
Your husband is living in two worlds, the world which raised him with values, and the world that he lives in. And the world that he lives in gives him license to behave as he does. Far too many women who know little about Islam tend to marry Muslim men who are migrants, expecting them to remain impervious to the impact of acculturation, and the social values of the country in which they live.
Living Islam is a daily challenge wherever you may be between the lower self and the higher self. This is when we need support, not reprimands, when we need allowances, not judgments, when we allow for the human in us to seek strength from the compassion, and understanding of those who want the best for us. Right now sister, this is what your husband needs from you.
If you were to step back, and take a look at your husband leaving aside his current obsession, what would you say about him? If the behavior that disturbs you so much does not reflect on his other traits, then sister, is it not worth being patient? Allow for the fact that he married you as a Christian, and that he might feel inclined to be lax about his religion because of an understanding he has in mind. This may have no reflection on you personally, but sometimes when people marry, they do have a “misunderstanding” about what they can and cannot do. Once you take your Shahadah, make regular du’aa (supplication) for him, and insha-Allah you will see him turn around.
In the meantime, for your own support and guidance, it would be extremely beneficial if you found a good Muslim women’s study circle (study group), from which you will not only get support among peers in terms of your own self development Islamically, but as sisters you can give each other support insha-Allah.
Related Links:How to Keep a Successful Islamic Marriage
Understanding Marriage in Islam
Women And Men In Islamic Marriage