Dear reader, in this piece we present a problem sent to our Ask the Counselor service which touches upon a very important marital aspect: mutual trust and forgiveness.
We like to open the platform for our readers to share and discuss their views on this problem and on what the questioner should do to save the marriage.
After sharing views and ideas, we will post the answer sent by a professional social counselor expert in an attempt to spread the benefit for everyone.
Read the problem below and take the stage by sharing your advice and input.
As salamu ‘alaykum…
I need your kind advice about my husband’s possible extramarital affairs. I have been reading through your site and found unfortunately many similar cases to mine. I’ve been married for 3 years without any children yet. I was a Christian when I met my Muslim husband, and we had to defend our marriage on many occasions with both our parents.
We have been through a lot that brought us even closer. I have been under the perception that we have a strong love bond between us, as my husband up to date treats me in a very tender and loving way. I am planning to get my Shahada (testimony of faith), and I have wanted to do so for a long time now, which has made me very happy inside. I become a stronger and more confident person.
A few days ago as I was working on my husband’s computer, and I saw a dating e-mail notification in his e-mail account. I followed the link and saw his chats with other women. I showed it to him, but he claimed that his account must have been copied and used by someone else.
I believed him at that point, but when I gave him the telephone number to call about this supposed “identity fraud” case (because his bank account was charged £25 for membership to the dating site), he came up with a bunch of excuses not to call which made it too obvious to me that he is lying.
I checked also the history on his computer, which confirmed that he has been indeed visiting this web site for the last 2 months. In all his messages, it was clear that he was looking for someone to meet for sex, and he was giving out his cell number to all sorts of women.
However, it seems that he didn’t have any “luck” - nothing confirmed. It wasn’t the first time that I found such e-mails on his computer. Another 2-3 times in the past I found such, but he also denied everything. He got angry and aggressive, and even to the extent that told me to leave the house if I didn’t believe him.
|If I see his regret, I am ready to forgive again and once I forgive it will be like nothing ever happened.|
Once I attempted to leave him, and that made him desperate and we got back together even though he didn’t admit anything. At that time, I thought that even if he had done something wrong, he wouldn’t do it again, because he got the message. In most cases, I believed him as I didn’t have strong proof, and my trust surprisingly became even stronger after these events.
However, I thought I need to be sure. So, I’ve done something that may not be right. I am not sure. May Allah forgive me!
I used another mobile number and started texting him as if I was one of the women from the dating site, and asked him to meet in a hotel on Saturday (3 days ago). He of course confirmed that he would meet “her” (me). We have been texting to each other for the past week!!! I was disgusted from what he wrote, but also because he was texting as soon as I turned my back e.g. to go and cook the dinner.
From the fact that he could still look me in the eyes all without a sign of guilt, and tell me how much he loves me. He was even chatting with me on the land line whilst I was at work asking me to do something on the computer for his business, and he was texting “her” (me) from his mobile at the same time!
When the appointed time came, he was excited all day. He told me another lie that he had a business meeting; he even borrowed money from me because he was broke, and he went out to his date!
Of course no date happened and he came back home with another silly excuse. All that time I was trying to have a general conversation with him about how Islam sees adultery and reminded him of the verses in the Qur’an that speak about adultery, but every time he got upset and he said that he is already aware of this, and that there was no need to bring them up.
He considers himself a good Muslim and he claims to have strong faith (and he is leading a Muslim life in other aspects). But what I now see is no fear of Allah and double standards: he keeps whatever is convenient to him from Islam, but he is not willing to take on the Western ways, which he likes so much.
I still haven’t told him the truth about this farce date that I set up for him. I am waiting to take my Shahada before I tell him. I am so disappointed for him. I now know that I cannot trust a single word that comes from his mouth. And I am confused on what kind of man he is, and what he really feels for me.
I want another chance for our marriage, but not sure if he is worth it. I am afraid that he will get angry when he finds out that it was me texting him, and will again lower himself by saying dumb excuses and deny everything. I need to hear from him why he does this, why he doesn’t feel guilt, how to prevent this from happening again.
If I see his regret, I am ready to forgive again and once I forgive it will be like nothing ever happened. But on the other hand, as a new Muslim I am more confident on what I want in life. And I now can appreciate the importance of having a good Muslim husband with strong ethics.
I have second thoughts if it is worth fighting for this marriage or maybe seek happiness elsewhere. The fact that we do not have children at least doesn’t make things more complicated. And my feelings for him are still there, but have been seriously damaged, especially my respect for him.
How can I trust such a man to have children with him, when he is willing to spend hundreds (from his wife’s wage!) to sleep with a woman that he doesn’t even know how she looks, during tough economical times for our home? Your advice is much appreciated.
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